aditya kumar's weblog

So what was it? The biggest break I have ever had since I started blogging?

My work has kept me off all the things I like to do whenever I have some time to spare. It reminds me of my “fresher” days when, on weekdays, I used to come home for 8-10 hours. I used to be busy. Now, apart from being busy, I am under stress. As it has dawned upon me, I have realized that there is a difference between being busy and being in stress.

A couple of times, these last few days, I did log-in to the dashboard of my blog. I reached out to write. I stared at the “Write Post” screen and it stared back at me. I had that time to jot in a few lines but somehow I lost the courage to overcome that small block that I had stumbled upon. I wanted to write, write something but I failed. You know, its one of those things that I have always told to people who want to start blogging– you can’t force yourself to write. Until it comes from within, you don’t want to write. Even if you try to, you can do it once, maybe twice but not forever. Then there is this problem of “who-reads-my-blog-anyway” mindset. It’s one of the most difficult things to deal with. Together, these reasons are collectively responsible for most of the blogs biting the dust.

Since it is seldom that I do personal rants here, it becomes all the more difficult for me to come over phases like these. I am more comfortable talking about socio-economic cycles prevailing in the society and that requires that I keep a tab on matters related. I fail here again, (lack of) time being the culprit.

My problem is that I take my reading, writing and traveling too seriously. It has been a part of me always and I think of these activities as my extension. It discomforts me and I feel guilty when I am not able to do justice to these.

I talk about it all the time, I know, but these days software writing has become such a mess that I wonder, at times, if I’d like to do it all my life. The few people I know, who are qualified enough to give an opinion on it, laugh at me. They find it funny that I still consider the possibility of being in software all my life. So I have a feeling that somewhere down the line, I’d find myself at crossroads. But I hope that I’d be able to take a cue from the experience of these guys who are so sure about shifting off from software now and who, by then, must’ve dealt with the same kind of situation(s) I’ll be dealing with, during my time.

So what I have been up to then? These days, I am converting my sleep hours to currency notes, subject to the discretion of my manager, of course. I am selling my sleep,thats what I have been up to. I know a lot of people are probably doing it too and they don’t have a problem with that. They say, in a way, I am living the American dream.

But I want to read. I want to write. I want to take a week off and go to the sea. I want to sleep.